University

Dear readers! How long it's been. I shan't bore you with details, for I have been most busy, and simply mustn't force you to hear the many trace informations of what would surely be a delightful, enchanting, but far too long tale of adventure for anyone's eyes on a simple, hasty location for reading such as the present forum.

Instead, I shall dwell upon a silly anniversary of a day I remember least well of all my days (unless you are a Freudian). To commemorate, your fearless leader will do her favorite things, including, but not limited to: drinking bourbon, driving a car, riding a public transportation rail unit, traversing a not humble city (humility, as we all know, is a sin in our modern times), seeing a dear and wonderful friend, the brilliant Michael Aylward, drinking coffee on a front porch of a nice house in a small town, and spending an evening with the two most important people in one's life in a home over which, I would argue, one can never really get. (The jury remains "out", of course, on whether they ought.)

Post Script: The best thing about modern times is that they are always modern!

If You're Looking for a Title Here, You're About to Be Sorely Disappointed

Dear Readers,

Hello.  It would appear no posts were ... *ahem* ... posted during the month of May.  The committee wishes to sincerely apologize for this oversight and blames The Horrible Management In This Place for the mistake.

While we do not offer refunds, we do offer overly theatrical displays of remorse.  And by "overly theatrical displays of remorse" we mean "free auto-subscriptions to the Sierra Post Discount Trading Newsletter and Its Non-Junk-Mail-Trainable Affiliates."  To receive your own personalized display of remorse, please email us at your convenience at:

donotreply@thisisnotanemailaddress.seriouslyiwishthisactuallywasmyemailaddress.org

Sincerely,

The Committee* on Reader* Enjoyment*

*You can't spell "committee" without "commit"

*We know you don't read this blog.  You pronounce each word aloud as you encounter it, to the delight of passersby.

*Make that enjoyMINT and have a Junior One!  Also, save yourself some angst and don't think about what a Senior Mint would entail.

Springtime* Competition!

Dear Readers!  In the past two weeks, Your Fearless Leader has engaged in the Modern Act of causing the transfer of funds out of her bank account and into the bank account of something or someone in another place.  But, these were not just any old transfers to any old places!  No sir, they were transfers to -- this is important --

TWO PLACES THAT ARE FORSAKEN BY GOD.

One is Indiana.  The other is Azerbaijan.

And now ... the question on everybody's mind: Which is MORE FORSAKEN?!

VOTE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*not springtime.

Try all you want, you'll never get those things to stick together

Attention, Attention, my Dear, Dear Readers!

There is a conference taking place in Cargèse, France this very July.  One of the topics to be covered is frustrated magnets.

I say, it's high time magnets were given an opportunity to air their grievances.  I can only imagine that being at the mercy of those poles all the time must grow tiresome in a big hurry.

(Exhibit A: Why Andrea Does Not Do Stand-Up: See Contained.)

----

Frustrated Magnets Awareness bumper stickers* are available by e-mailing the Author.

*obviously, they are not the magnetic kind.  Let's give those poor things a break!

Beginning to end

I'll tell you what: You give me three nickels, I'll give you a dime and five pennies. No, wait: I'll give YOU two dimes, and then you give me one nickel, thirteen pennies, and one two-cent coin from the days of Yore. Wait, wait, no! I know! You give ME the one million dollars in cold hard cash you owe me, and I'll let you get out of here alive.

BANG BANG BANG BANG!

This blog entry was composed with no idea how it would go whatsoever. On the bright side, I just nailed my opening lines for my mobster screenplay. On the less-than-bright side, I got sketched out.

In unrelated news, I wonder if my coffee is poisoned. And by "poisoned", I mean: "old", and by "old" I mean: who am I kidding? I drink it like this all the time because I don't have a coffee maker in my slum.

And by "slum" I mean "modest accommodation".

Here is something fun: Zebras. Why do they exist?!?!

Ok, ok: You're right. That wasn't fun at all. Here's something that's REALLY fun.

Still not satisfied? Go here.

Put Differently

Proposition 1: Unless you were going to follow what you just said with exactly the same thing, there is absolutely no reason to insert the phrase "in other words" into your sentence or paragraph.

Proof: Suppose I am tired. Suppose further I wish to express this. Possible ways to do this:

I am tired. In other words, I feel like sleeping.
I am tired. In similar words, I am tired.

Lemma 1: This is exhausting.
Lemma 2: I am not actually tired.
Lemma 3: Yours truly is violently misusing the lemma.

Q.E.D.

Red Meat Causes and Is Caused by Death!

I've said it before, I said it again (and again), but now I never need to say it again: "Daily Red Meat Raises Chance of Dying Early."

And not only that, but the meat is worse if you:

Cook it
or
Process it.

AND: It destroys the environment.

End of discussion. Good day, gentlemen!