Oh, Hello There

A good title for a book:

"Everyone Has a Story, Except Me"

Optional subtitle: An autobiography

By Dipheroné Larson (your Fearless Leader's New Pen Name)

Laundry

None of us know what we are doing. The next day, much less week, may bring problems we haven't considered. Or, it may bring pleasant surprises. Or, it may bring nothing particularly new in either direction.

Regardless, Your Fearless Leader hereby Proclaims that doing Laundy never makes you worse off.

No matter what happens, by heavens, you will at least be able to deal with it without having to search around your room first for a clean pair of socks or a shirt that doesn't look like crap. This is why the cavemen invented laundromats. People don't realize this, but "Sir-Sudz-A-Lot" was an early hominid. He may have dated Lucy.

Sling the Daggers, oh dear ones

Dear Ones!

It turns out that a very good insult to use on someone is: "You put the 'pathetic' in 'sympathetic'". It is especially daggered because it punishes someone for trying to do something that is kind to you!

Your Fearless Leader shall Keep You Updated on its use and reception.

Disappointments!

Dear Readers!

It is but a gift and a curse that Your Fearless Leader has terribly high expectations for the production of most things in life! A gift, yes, as high standards drive us to excellence. A curse, yes, also, as we are Destined for Disappointment (the original double D).

I present to you the latest in our collection of Special Shortcomings ("Special" pronounced as in "species" but with suffix "-ial", as in "of or applying to our species"):

1. There is no verb yet for the act of looking something up in the Dictionary! (And don't get me started on the Thesaurus.)
2. The word Globish has another pronunciation: Globlish!
3. Soy lattes are still awful!
4. There is no word "special" in the sense described herein.

Friends, Readers, Confidants: Let not these troubles cause you sadness. We shall rise up; only, of course, to be disappointed further.

A Cocktail Party of Strangers

Meeting someone new means

It’s possible

Your world could change completely

Right away.

But normally it means

You’re about to

Engage in small talk

... for awhile.

My New Self-Help Book! (forthcoming)

Dear Readers!

Exciting news from your Fearless Leader! We are publishing a self-help book, and right here for your VERY OWN PRIVILEGED EYES, we present an exxxcclussive excerpt!

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"Secrets to Success: The Paranoia Next Door, Volume 1, Part 1, Section 1 of 2, Catastasis for the Rest of Us."

Bored with your ho-hum existence? The ticket to boredom relief, psychologists* say, is fear! Imagine: if you had something (or better -- someone!) to run from, be scared of, or at least lie awake obsessively thinking about at night while your heart races and your palms sweat and you can't even breathe for the agony -- Mr. HH (Ho-Hum) would be RIGHT on out the door faster than you can say "help me."!

To get started TODAY** just use this simple trick! Imagine you are on the brink of catastrophe. Allow every single thing that happens to you, or that you observe, or that even shows up on TV or in your text messages, to be a confirming signal of that worst fear. Then, unlock your front door and hop into bed! Goodnight!!

*not psychologists

**for better results, start TONIGHT. Advanced students (only) may wait until the next new moon. Extra-advanced students may wait until the next new moon DVD.

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Stay tuned for more sneak previews and excerpts, Dear, Wonderful, Readers! And to all a panicked, one-eye-open night! And, while that one eye is open -- keep it peeled for my Book to hit bookstore* shelves soon**!!

*not bookstore

**Loosely defined. Until then, remember this: Time is your worst enemy.

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P.S. Sneaky me, I'm saving the best for last: SATISFACTION IS COMPLETELY GUARANTEED! You will see results faster than you can say, "someone call the police" OR YOUR MONEY BACK!!!!

AND, if you pre-order TODAY, we'll throw in an audio accompaniment guide ABSOLUTELY FREE!! Settle down for a dark and stormy afternoon and repeat aloud to such great hits as, "911? I'd like to report an intruder" and "has anyone seen my grandmother?"

DON'T DELAY!!!!

If I were homeless

If I were homeless

I would

Sit on a park bench

All day,

Feeding pigeons (with what?),

Squinting in the sun,

Tanned skin around my eyes,

Covering a mind that would be

Wondering

How it ever was

That I wore a suit,

And tie, and ticking watch.

I also

Most surely would not

Live

In Michigan.