Wednesday, March 31, 2010

My New Self-Help Book! (forthcoming)

Dear Readers!

Exciting news from your Fearless Leader! We are publishing a self-help book, and right here for your VERY OWN PRIVILEGED EYES, we present an exxxcclussive excerpt!


"Secrets to Success: The Paranoia Next Door, Volume 1, Part 1, Section 1 of 2, Catastasis for the Rest of Us."

Bored with your ho-hum existence? The ticket to boredom relief, psychologists* say, is fear! Imagine: if you had something (or better -- someone!) to run from, be scared of, or at least lie awake obsessively thinking about at night while your heart races and your palms sweat and you can't even breathe for the agony -- Mr. HH (Ho-Hum) would be RIGHT on out the door faster than you can say "help me."!

To get started TODAY** just use this simple trick! Imagine you are on the brink of catastrophe. Allow every single thing that happens to you, or that you observe, or that even shows up on TV or in your text messages, to be a confirming signal of that worst fear. Then, unlock your front door and hop into bed! Goodnight!!

*not psychologists
**for better results, start TONIGHT. Advanced students (only) may wait until the next new moon. Extra-advanced students may wait until the next new moon DVD.


Stay tuned for more sneak previews and excerpts, Dear, Wonderful, Readers! And to all a panicked, one-eye-open night! And, while that one eye is open -- keep it peeled for my Book to hit bookstore* shelves soon**!!

*not bookstore
**Loosely defined. Until then, remember this: Time is your worst enemy.


P.S. Sneaky me, I'm saving the best for last: SATISFACTION IS COMPLETELY GUARANTEED! You will see results faster than you can say, "someone call the police" OR YOUR MONEY BACK!!!!

AND, if you pre-order TODAY, we'll throw in an audio accompaniment guide ABSOLUTELY FREE!! Settle down for a dark and stormy afternoon and repeat aloud to such great hits as, "911? I'd like to report an intruder" and "has anyone seen my grandmother?"


Friday, March 19, 2010

If I were homeless

If I were homeless

I would

Sit on a park bench

All day,

Feeding pigeons (with what?),

Squinting in the sun,

Tanned skin around my eyes,

Covering a mind that would be


How it ever was

That I wore a suit,

And tie, and ticking watch.

I also

Most surely would not


In Michigan.